Wait... Is This Actually Abuse? A Guide for Neurodivergent People

Red Flags

You know that feeling when something's been gnawing at you for months (or years), but you can't quite put your finger on what's wrong?

Maybe you've Googled "am I too sensitive" at 2am. Again.

Maybe you're constantly second-guessing yourself, wondering if you're overreacting, being dramatic, or if your ADHD/autism is just making you "difficult."

Let me say this clearly: Your gut feeling that something's off? It's probably right.

Let's talk about what abuse actually looks like, especially for neurodivergent folks.

So... What Actually Counts as Abuse?

Here's the thing nobody tells you: abuse isn't just physical violence. In fact, many people experiencing abuse never get hit at all.

Abuse is any pattern of behaviour designed to control, manipulate, or harm you. It can include:

Psychological/Emotional Abuse

• Constant criticism of your ND traits ("you're too much," "you're so difficult," "everyone thinks you're weird")

• Humiliating you in front of others

• Threatening to leave you, hurt you, or hurt themselves

• Isolating you from friends and family

• The silent treatment (we'll come back to this one)

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Coercive Control

• Monitoring your phone, emails, or whereabouts constantly

• Dictating what you wear, who you see, where you go

• Making all the decisions in the relationship

• Limiting your access to money or making you account for every dollar

• Using your diagnosis against you ("no one will believe you," "you're just being paranoid because of your anxiety")

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Financial Abuse

• Controlling all the money

• Preventing you from working or sabotaging your job

• Running up debts in your name

• Taking your money or NDIS funds

• Making you beg for money for basic necessities

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Sexual Abuse

• Any sexual activity without enthusiastic consent

• Pressuring you into sex or specific acts

• Using sex as a weapon (withholding or forcing)

• Ignoring your sensory needs or boundaries during intimacy

• Reproductive coercion (messing with birth control, forcing pregnancy)

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The Mind-Fuckery Toolkit: Gaslighting & Stonewalling

These two deserve their own section because they're especially harmful to neurodivergent brains.

Gaslighting: When Your Reality Gets Hijacked

Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity. For ND people who already struggle with:

• Executive function ("did I actually forget that or are they lying?")

• Time blindness ("when did that happen?")

• Social confusion ("am I reading this wrong?")

• Self-doubt

...gaslighting is like pouring petrol on a fire.

It sounds like:

• "That never happened, you're remembering it wrong"

• "You're being too sensitive" (about your very real feelings)

• "I never said that" (yes they fucking did)

• "You're crazy" or "it's just your ADHD/autism making you paranoid"

• "Everyone else thinks you're the problem"

• 
  

Stonewalling: The Shutdown Weapon

Stonewalling is when someone completely withdraws - refusing to communicate, giving you the silent treatment, or shutting down any attempt at discussion.

Now, here's where it gets tricky for ND folks: shutdowns are real. Autistic shutdowns and ADHD overwhelm are legitimate. But stonewalling as an abuse tactic is different:

Legitimate shutdown: "I'm overwhelmed and need space. Can we talk in an hour?"

Stonewalling: Disappearing for days with no communication, refusing to discuss issues repeatedly, using silence as punishment, walking away mid-conflict without any intention to return to it.

Why This Hits Different for ND People

If you have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), stonewalling and gaslighting are like psychological torture.

• Your brain already catastrophizes rejection

• You already doubt yourself more than neurotypical people

• You might already struggle to trust your own perceptions

• Your nervous system might already be on high alert

  
  

Abuse takes these vulnerabilities and weaponizes them. Your RSD isn't making you "too sensitive" - you're having a legitimate response to harmful behaviour.

Green Flags: What Healthy Actually Looks Like

Alright, let's flip the script. Here's what you should be experiencing in a healthy relationship:

🚩→ 🟢 Quick Check: How Many Green Flags Are in YOUR Relationship?

•  They respect your sensory needs without making you feel like a burden

•  They learn about your neurodivergence and adapt (not expect you to mask constantly)

•  Conflict includes repair - you fight, sure, but you come back and work through it

•  They take accountability when they hurt you (even accidentally)

•  Your boundaries are respected the first time, not argued with

•  They celebrate your wins without jealousy

•  You can be yourself - stimming, info-dumping, parallel playing, all of it

•  They communicate clearly (minimal subtext or "you should just know")

•  They support your interests even if they don't share them

•  You feel safe being "too much" or "not enough"

•  They check in about consent regularly (in sex and in life)

•  Your independence is encouraged, not controlled

•  They trust you and don't monitor your every move

•  Financial decisions are transparent and collaborative

•  They understand that autism/ADHD isn't an excuse for bad behaviour (yours OR theirs)

  
  

Scoring yourself:

• 12-15 green flags: You've got something solid

• 8-11: Some good stuff, some areas to work on together

• 4-7: Hmm. Time for some serious conversations

• 0-3: Babe. We need to talk about what you're tolerating.

• 
  

Right. So I Think I'm in an Abusive Relationship. Now What?

First: You're not stupid. You're not weak. You're not "too ND" to have a healthy relationship.

Abuse is designed to trap you. It's not your fault.

Immediate Ways to Start Healing (While You're Still in It)

1. Document everything

• Screenshots of messages

• Journal entries (date and time)

• Photos of injuries or property damage

• Keep them somewhere safe (cloud storage they can't access, trusted friend's house)

2. Reach out to ONE safe person You don't need to tell everyone. Just one person who believes you and won't minimize what you're experiencing.

3. Start reclaiming your reality Write down what actually happened after incidents - before the gaslighting makes you doubt yourself.

4. Trust your body If your nervous system is screaming at you (racing heart, nausea, panic when they come home), that's data. Your body knows.

Safety Planning: The Practical Shit

If you're thinking about leaving (or you need to leave quickly):

🆘 Quick Exit Plan:

• Spare keys at a friend's place

• Important documents copied and stored safely (ID, birth certificate, Medicare card, NDIS plan, bank statements)

• Emergency bag packed (kept somewhere safe - friend's place, work locker, storage unit)

• Money they don't know about

• Phone charged, important numbers memorized

• Code word with trusted friends that means "I need help NOW"

  
  

Digital Safety:

• Change passwords (but wait until you're safe if they monitor your devices)

• Check for tracking apps on your phone

• Create new email account they don't know about

• Be careful with shared photo streams or location sharing

  
  

For NDIS Participants:

• Your NDIS plan is YOURS - they can't control it

• Contact your LAC or support coordinator privately

• You can request funding for emergency accommodation

• Your plan can include therapeutic supports for DV recovery

  
  

Crisis Support (Because Sometimes 2am Hits Different)

National:

• 1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 counselling, information and support)

• Lifeline - 13 11 14

• Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636

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State-based:

• NSW Domestic Violence Line - 1800 656 463

• Safe Steps (VIC) - 1800 015 188

• DVConnect (QLD) - 1800 811 811

• Women's Crisis Line (SA) - 1800 188 158

• Family Violence Service (TAS) - 1800 608 122

• Women's Domestic Violence Helpline (WA) - 1800 007 339

• Dawn House (NT) - 1800 819 817

• Domestic Violence Crisis Service (ACT) - (02) 6280 0900

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Text-based support (for when phone calls are too much):

• 1800RESPECT online chat - available at 1800respect.org.au

  
  

Why Therapy with Someone Who GETS It Matters

Here's the thing: not all therapists understand domestic abuse. And even fewer understand how it intersects with neurodivergence.

You need someone who understands:

• How gaslighting affects ND people specifically

• That your autism/ADHD didn't "cause" the abuse

• How to work with sensory needs and processing differences in trauma recovery

• That leaving isn't always simple (especially with NDIS funding tied up, shared care arrangements, or financial dependence)

• How to support you without pathologizing your neurodivergence

  
  

Red flags in therapy:

• Suggests couples counselling while abuse is active (HUGE no)

• Minimizes the abuse or suggests you're "both responsible"

• Doesn't understand or dismisses your ND traits

• Pushes you to leave before you're ready

• Makes you feel stupid or broken

  
  

Green flags:

• Trauma-informed AND neurodivergence-affirming

• Believes you

• Helps you trust your own perceptions again

• Works at your pace

• Understands the complexity of leaving

• Focuses on YOUR safety and healing, not timelines

  
  

Final Thought

If you've read this far and you're thinking "shit, this sounds familiar" - that awareness is the first step.

You're not broken. Your brain isn't wrong. You deserve relationships where you can be fully yourself without fear.

And yeah, healing is possible. Even when it feels impossible right now.

You don't have to have it all figured out today. But maybe, just maybe, you can start trusting yourself again.

If you're looking for ND-affirming support around trauma and domestic abuse, reach out. Sometimes the hardest part is just starting the conversation.

Disclaimer: This post is for educational purposes and doesn't replace professional support. If you're in immediate danger, call 000.