The Vulnerable Heart: Navigating Dating as an Autistic Woman

Let's talk about something that doesn't get nearly enough airtime in autism circles, the reality of vulnerability in dating relationships. And I'm not going to sugarcoat it with inspirational quotes about butterflies and soulmates. This is about the real stuff that can leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself.

Why Are We More Vulnerable? Let's Get Real

Here's the thing that nobody wants to admit at neurotypical dinner parties: autistic women are statistically more likely to experience relationship abuse, with research showing rates between 70-90% experiencing some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime (Pecora et al., 2022). Yeah, those numbers are as shocking as they sound.

But why? It's not because we're "naive" or "childlike", screw those outdated stereotypes. The reality is far more complex:

We're pattern-seekers in an unpredictable world. 

Our brains love rules, consistency, and making sense of things. When someone tells us "this is how relationships work," we often take that at face value. We're looking for the algorithm of love, and manipulative people know exactly how to exploit that.

The masking trap. 

After years of learning to hide our authentic selves to fit in, many of us become brilliant at reading what others want from us. The exhausting irony? This same skill makes it harder to notice when someone's interest in us is actually not of good intent. We're so used to performing that we might not realise when someone's "love" requires us to keep performing forever.

Alexithymia and the empathy paradox. 

Here's where it gets really messy. Many autistic people experience alexithymia (difficulty identifying and describing emotions), which can make it hard to recognise our own discomfort or distress. Meanwhile, research shows that autistic individuals often have high affective empathy, we may literally feel other people's emotions intensely (Bird & Cook, 2013). This creates a perfect storm: we're drowning in someone else's manufactured feelings while struggling to identify our own warning signals.

The Love Bombing Blindspot

Let's talk about love bombing, that intense, overwhelming rush of attention and affection that feels like you've finally been seen and understood. For autistic women who've spent their lives feeling "too much" or "not enough," this validation can feel like oxygen after a lifetime of holding your breath.

The research backs this up: autistic individuals may be particularly susceptible to love bombing because we often have a strong need for routine and can develop intense attachments quickly (Strunz et al., 2017). When someone creates a predictable pattern of overwhelming attention, our pattern-loving brains latch on.

But here's the cruel trick: that same high empathy that makes us so attuned to others' emotions can actually make it harder to spot love bombing. We feel their "intense love" and mirror it back. We might excuse concerning behaviours because we can feel their pain, their trauma, their "reasons." We become so focused on understanding and supporting them that we forget to check in with ourselves.

Red Flags: The Ones We Ignore Because We're "Being Understanding"

Time for some uncomfortable honesty. Here are the red flags autistic women often miss or rationalise away:

The isolation creep. They say your friends "don't get you like I do" or subtly criticise your need for alone time. You think you're being understood; you're actually being separated from your support network.

Controlling your special interests. They love your passion... until they don't. Suddenly your hobbies are "childish" or "obsessive," but it happens so gradually you barely notice the shift.

Sensory manipulation. They learn your sensory triggers and either use them against you during arguments or withdraw sensory comfort as punishment. That's not love; that's weaponised intimacy.

The "helping" that isn't. They claim to be "helping you cope" but actually create dependency. You find yourself unable to do things you managed fine before the relationship.

Trauma bonding dressed as "deep connection." They share intense trauma early on, creating a sense of being uniquely positioned to understand each other. This isn't intimacy; it's a trap.

The Breadcrumb Trail: When "Occasional Nice" Keeps You Hooked

Let's talk about breadcrumbing, those tiny morsels of affection dropped just when you're about to walk away. It's the sweet text after days of silence, the sudden "I love you" after weeks of coldness, the return of the person you fell for... but only for long enough to reset your tolerance for their behaviour. For autistic brains that crave stability and predictability, these intermittent reinforcements can be particularly addictive, we keep analysing, waiting for the pattern to stabilise, convinced that if we just figure out the "right" response, we'll get consistency back.

Spoiler alert: the pattern IS the inconsistency, and it's designed to keep you confused, hopeful, and stuck.

The "Favourite Person" Phenomenon: Understanding RRB in Relationships

Let's address the elephant in the room, or as we call it in autism world, the Restricted and Repetitive Behaviour (RRB) pattern in relationships. Many autistic women develop what some communities call a "favourite person" (FP) attachment, which connects to the RRB characteristics in autism.

This isn't just "really liking someone." It's when a person becomes the focus of our pattern-seeking, routine-loving, intensely focused autistic brain. They become the special interest, the predictable pattern, the safe person, 'my person' all rolled into one. Research shows that autistic individuals may experience more intense and focused attachment patterns due to differences in social-emotional processing (Palser et al., 2020).

The problem? When this person is unhealthy for us, our RRB tendencies can make it incredibly difficult to break away. Our brains literally resist change, even when that change would save us.

Letting Go: Breaking the Pattern

Here's the hard truth: letting go of a favourite person when you're autistic is less like ending a relationship and more like disrupting your entire operating system. But it's possible, and here's how:

Name the pattern. Recognise that your attachment might be an RRB, not destiny. Write down the actual patterns you're seeing versus the ones you're hoping for.

Externalise the process. Create a new special interest, seriously. Research supports that engaging intensely with new interests can help shift focus (Grove et al., 2018). Make leaving and planning a future without them your next big dopamine hitting project.

Build a transition routine. Don't go cold turkey if you can avoid it. Create structured steps: reduce contact, replace their role in your routines, build new patterns.

Get comfortable with uncomfortable. The change will feel wrong. Your brain will scream that this is bad. That's not intuition; that's resistance to change. Know the difference.

Find your people. Connect with other autistic women who've been through this. We get it in ways neurotypical friends simply can't.

The Empathy Weight

Your high empathy is not a weakness, but let's be clear: in a toxic relationship, it can become a weapon against you. You might find yourself:

• Constantly making excuses for their behaviour because you can "feel" their pain

• Believing you're the only one who truly understands them

• Staying because leaving would hurt them

• Absorbing their emotions until you can't find your own

Remember this: true love doesn't require you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your empathy is a gift, not a sacrifice, and it should never be used against you.

Moving Forward

If you're reading this and seeing your relationship in these words, please know: you're not stupid, broken, or "too autistic" to date. You're a complete human being who deserves a relationship where you can unmask, stim freely, and be celebrated – not just tolerated.

The vulnerability isn't the problem. The problem is that some people see our beautiful, pattern-seeking, deeply feeling hearts and choose to exploit rather than cherish them.

You deserve better. And recognising that isn't giving up on love, it's finally choosing to love yourself enough to demand what you deserve.

Support Services - You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone

National Support Lines:

• 1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 counselling for sexual assault and domestic violence)

• Lifeline - 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention)

• Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800 (24/7 for young people aged 5-25 years)

• QLife (LGBTIQ+ support) - 1800 184 527 (3pm-midnight daily)

• Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (24/7)

  
  
  
  

Queensland Specific:

• DV Connect Womensline - 1800 811 811 (24/7)

• DV Connect Mensline - 1800 600 636 (24/7)

• Open Doors Youth Service - 1800 959 563 (LGBTIQ+ young people support)

• True Relationships & Reproductive Health - 1800 YHELP (1800 943 577)

LGBTIQ+ Support:

• QLife - 1800 184 527

• Switchboard Victoria (also supports interstate callers) - 1800 184 527

• Transgender Victoria - (03) 9020 4675

• ACON - 1800 063 060 (NSW based but supports all states)

Autism & Neurodivergent Specific:

• Amaze (Autism Victoria) - 1300 308 699 (weekdays)

• Aspect (Autism Spectrum Australia) - 1800 277 328

Legal & Practical Support:

• Women's Legal Service QLD - 1800 957 957

• Legal Aid QLD - 1300 65 11 88

• National Disability Abuse and Neglect Hotline - 1800 880 052

Remember: You can call these services even if you're "just questioning" whether something is wrong. That gut feeling deserves to be heard.

References:

Bird, G., & Cook, R. (2013). Mixed emotions: The contribution of alexithymia to the emotional symptoms of autism. Translational Psychiatry, 3(7), e285.

Grove, R., Hoekstra, R. A., Wierda, M., & Begeer, S. (2018). Special interests and subjective wellbeing in autistic adults. Autism Research, 11(5), 766-775.

Palser, E. R., Galvez-Pol, A., Palmer, C. E., Hannah, R., Fotopoulou, A., Pellicano, E., & Kilner, J. M. (2020). Reduced differentiation of emotion-associated bodily sensations in autism. Autism, 24(8), 2073-2082.

Pecora, L. A., Mesibov, G. B., & Stokes, M. A. (2022). Autism characteristics and victimisation: A systematic review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(3), 882-896.

Strunz, S., Schermuck, C., Ballerstein, S., Ahlers, C. J., Dziobek, I., & Roepke, S. (2017). Romantic relationships and relationship satisfaction among adults with Asperger syndrome and high-functioning autism. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 113-125.